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Predictions? Okay, 3, 2, 1, Let’s Jam!

Posted by Doug on December 21, 2008

20th Century Fox is working on making a live-action motion picture adaption of Cowboy Bebop, with Keanu Reeves cast as Spike Spiegel.

How do I think this will turn out?  Here are my predictions, some serious, some not, numbered for no particular reason, as they are listed in no particular order:

  1. They will get the look of Cowboy Bebop down pat as far as the spaceships and cities and space stations and planets go, and it will look amazing, the dogfights with the Swordfish doubly so.
  2. Jet will be played by a black actor who is perfect for the role.  He will get less screen time than any other major character.
  3. The actress who plays Faye will be so plastic-surgeryified she will look fake despite being a real person and will have exactly zero personality and/or charm.  She will wear more clothes and look sluttier.  Her character will be the primary love interest of Spike and will combine Faye and Julia’s roles into one horrible composite that retains nothing of either.
  4. Ed will be made significantly more feminine and older to increase the sex appeal.  The all-but-androgynous cloudcuckoolander hacker will be replaced with a trendy, tech-savvy, boy-crazy young woman with mild ADHD who carries on perfectly normal conversations with other humans.  She will always wear very “fashionable” Sketchers (see point #12 below).
  5. Ein will be played by two or more female Pembroke Welsh Corgis.  He will be depicted as an ordinary dog.
  6. The real-world guns used by the cowboys of the Bebop (Jericho 941, Walther P99, Glock 30, etc) will be replaced by highly futuristic zap-laser-kill-rayguns of some variety.  Ed will carry a handgun, as well—either a Desert Eagle or a S&W 500 (no, Ed will not have a raygun like the others).
  7. The story will take place sometime in the late 22nd century or later.
  8. At some point, a television, all but hidden in the background, will be playing scenes from “Mushroom Samba”.
  9. Spike Spiegel will be played by Keanu Reeves.  Oh, wait, that’s not much of a prediction, is it?  Let me try again: Keanu Reeves’ Spike Spiegel will have none of the playfully cavalier attitude that made Spike memorable.  His acting will be wooden and stiff and so very, very wrong.
  10. Kanno Yoko and the Seatbelt’s wonderful jazz soundtrack will disappear in favor of bland heavy metal, some bland gangsta rap, and yet another knockoff of Carmina Burana, which will be…bland.
  11. Keanu knows kung fu, and he will manage the jeet kune do well enough for at least three kick-ass fights (one in the opening, just so everyone knows he is the One a badass martial artist; once in the middle, versus the brute squad; and once at the end, versus the main villain, after engaging in a dogfight and a gunfight and getting shot/injuried in both).
  12. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Pepsi, McDonalds, Sony, General Motors, and Microsoft will all be alive and well in the live-action world of Cowboy Bebop.  Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement for Taco Bell!
  13. Thinking of the Matrix, there will be lots and lots and lots of gratuitous bullet time (to the point where the movie would only be 60-65 minutes long without it).  It will add nothing to detract from the action scenes.
  14. Spike and Faye will not smoke.  Jet will be depicted as trying to quit.  Ed will get an anti-smoking lecture from Jet when she tries picking up the habit.  Most of the bad guys will smoke.
  15. The movie will be rated PG-13, partially for the violence and the sexual situations Faye will be in, but mostly for the language (yes, language—they’re gunna cuss like Samuel L. Jackson in a Quentin Tarantino flick).
  16. Ein Ed will have some serious martial arts skills, too, and will kick one goon in the groin.
  17. Ernest Borgnine will play at least one of the Three Old Guys.
  18. Jet Li will play Vicious, sparking off the Great Internet Flame War of 2010, with fanboys vehemently decrying him as the worst possible actor for the role, or rabidly hailing him as the most awesome actor for the role.  Lives will be lost in the War.  (these fanboys have no lives to lose)
  19. The movie will hit theaters in mid-December 2012.  It will do reasonably well at the box office, thanks to the Hollywood Hype Machine, and talk of a sequel will soon follow.
  20. As a fan of the original, I will be disappointed by the remake, and will console myself with reminders of “At least it didn’t turn out like the Ghost in the Shell movie”.
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